Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year!!


Stopping in for a short and sweet quick update.  Apparently my last post released a small shit storm since it wasn't all pink ribbons and butterflies.  So I'm back with some decent news and a butterfly or two.  ;)

I have had two infusions since my shitty one.  The constipation that was horrendous has been kept ahead of with meds.  The staff finally informed me that the antinausea med Zofran (which I get a bunch of) can do this, so we are now in Major prevention mode ;)

The fatigue that was near dibilitating was not present either.  I actually was up and moving, getting things done and ready for the holidays.  Felt good to be productive.  Even got the dog poop up, now the snow can cover the rest of the winter 💩😆🤣

My counts went from .99 to 3.93 to .8 again.  Anything below 1.0 is usually a no go on chemo, but my onc has been great working with my anxiety of non-treatment.  We have done all three of these, the last being a lowered dose.  I have to remain vigilant on avoiding those that are ill.  🐛

My PET scan to check my progress is scheduled for January 23.  My onc appt is the 25th.  🤞🤞🤞🤞  I am looking for worst case, stabilization, best case shrinkage or gone.  ☝️👼👣

I have also gone back to seeing a breast cancer counselor/shrink, one appt only so far, but someone to talk to that is removed from the situation and and can just hear me out no matter what I have to say.  Its a good thing.

My new title is a Metavivor. METAvivor designed a base ribbon of green and teal to represent metastasis. Green represents the triumph of spring over winter, life over death, and symbolizes renewal, hope, and immortality while teal symbolizes healing and spirituality. The thin pink ribbon overlay signifies that the metastatic cancer originated in the breast. 
So while the pink is there, it is a mix of other colors too.  Thankfully, black is not one ;)

My kiddies are all home for a few days as

we celebrate Christmas, always a great time.  I love having family around.   I also am still going to spend a few days with my sister and her family before heading off to see my Florida friends.  Looking forward to it all!!

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone.  Let's make 2018 a fabulous one!!!!

p.s.  Check your boobies!!!

Well, this is long overdue.  My level of desire to write has been pretty much nil until today.  I keep trying to think of what and how to write and nothing comes to mind.  So, I will sit here and do my best.

First, this is the scan that shows my metastatic cancer (or mets) to my peritoneum.  Don't have a fancy writable pad yet, maybe for Christmas, so I will do my best to describe.  The first, with the finger is where they believe some cancerous fluid could be from the blockage by the nodes in my chest.  The second is looking up from my feet, and the yellow (not along my spine) is what lit up on my PET scan as the cancerous fibers in my peritoneum.  The last is just so you can see what it looks like when you get a PET, full body.

I have had three treatments so far.  First one was Gemzar/Carboplatin and boy did it kick me.  My ANC (absolute neutrophil count, the one they watch for treatment) went from 5.03, within low normal range, to .6 in one week, well below.  Unfortunately, that meant no further treatment.  I had to go for three weeks with no treatment which was psychologically almost too much for me.  Knowing this beast is in me and doing nothing is hard.  My onc assured me the carbo was still working and this was not unusual since he gave me the max dose.  Now he knows that won't work and will adjust.

My next appointment, I was finally able to get Gemzar only.  I'm sure its thanks to the new wrap my Franklin friends gave me, which match my leggings perfectly!!

With my counts still low at .99, this was a compromise since I said I wasn't leaving without treatment.  Who would have seen someone begging for chemo.........During this visit we also decided to change to a new chemo, Cisplatin, at my next combo.  With the carbo so hard on my counts, the hope is this will be a little easier and enable treatments to remain steady.  Gemzar was pretty easy.  No side effects, not even nausea, which was great.  I actually felt okay and able to get out and get Christmas shopping done, as well as decorating the house.  Bob and I also made a quick, long weekend trip to Florida.  It was a much needed get away for the two of us to reset and relax.

Upon our return it was time to see the doc again.  Fingers crossed the numbers are good after 2 weeks off.  With a 1.3 count, I get chemo.  The new one, Gemzar/Cisplatin.  Little did I know, I have gone from a 3 or 4 hour treatment time to 6, yes SIX hours!  When I come in I have 2 hours of fluids, 30 minutes of premeds, one hour of Cisplatin, one hour of Gemzar, and a finish of 2 hours of fluids.  The need for all the fluids is to flush my kidneys since Cisplatin is hard on those.  Tuesday afternoon, done.

Thanksgiving with the family was a nice small quiet gathering.  Yummy food and good company.  Thankful to have my kids with me and enjoying each other's company for a long weekend.  My girls and I even  went to to see Coco on Thanksgiving.  What a fun movie!  Take the kids or grandkids, it's vibrant Disney!

Monday, BAM!  What a wall I hit.   By Monday afternoon, moving was a chore.  Whether it is white or red cells low I have no idea and am sure I will see in my next blood tests, but there was nothing I could do to get better.  Tuesday, a happy day, my birthday.  53!  Unfortunately, still completely dragging from chemo, moving again a chore.  I forced myself to shower and dress to be presentable, makeup not included.  I was also "showered"....😂😂😂, get it, showered and showered....moving on.....with flowers, gifts and well wishes from family and friends, and am greatful for those that remembered this big day.  Again, my Franklin family remembers me, they are a special group ;)  Each birthday a gift now.  Dinner out with the in laws was nice at Cafe Centraal, and a small cheat enjoying a nice hot chocolate from Collectiva, thanks to Emily.  Day complete.

Wednesday, still feeling lethargic, my bowels decide to stop working properly.  While this is a very sensitive category of discussion, it's a VERY important one.  The body is an amazing mechanism when working properly.  When not, ugh!  No amount of food, liquid, or medicine was working, for days.  If any of you have had this difficulty you completely understand.  If you haven't, don't.  Drink water, eat fruit and fiber.  Never let this happen to you.  It's miserable!  My body felt like it just simply shut down.  I couldn't sleep, eat, or get comfortable.  This is also a problem with stomach Mets.  The possibility of blockages is real and frightening.  Thankfully, things improved.

It's now Thursday and things are "moving" in the right direction ;)  Live and learn with these meds.  I have also gained a new sensation that I need to bring up with the doc.  This entire morning I felt as though I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  Jittery is an understatement, and yet still feeling lethargic.  Imagine wanting to jump out of your own skin, but too weak to even give it a try.  Nice combination, not.  Finally by the late afternoon, I'm starting to feel good again and just in time for a girlfriend weekend in the Dells.  Fingers crossed it stays that way all weekend.

All of this is so hard to deal with.  Between chemicals making me sick, my body fighting, and the psychological effects it can become overwhelming.  Doing normal, simple life events becomes taxing.  I find I have become very quiet, withdrawn, and retrospective.  All very unusual for me.  I find myself thinking of my parents and wishing they were here to help me.  They had both been through what I am going through.  I could really use their shoulder right now.  I also lost a cousin this week.  I never even knew she too was fighting cancer.  I wish I had.  We were not close, but we were family, in the same shitty spot.  Again, the retrospective parts of my life popping in and out.  I will always remember her laugh and smile, she was a very sweet woman.  Loved by many.  RIP Marcia.

Christmas is upon us all and my house has been decorated for a couple of weeks now.  My menagerie is back and I love them.  I guess it's the kid in me and my love of toys.  The Hallmark Channel is also a constant on my TV, and why not.  It's all Christmas, and always a happy ending.  A good combination for anyone :)

Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I will be headed back to Georgia and my sister's family Christmas Day, then will spend the New Year in Florida.  I can't seem to stomach the cold and dark anymore, it's depressing.  I will return for my treatments but need the sun, the relative warmth, and my friends ;)

When I return in January I will be getting my next scan to see how the chemo is working.  I pray, ALL the time, that I get the miracle and it is gone and stays that way.  It is the thing that keeps me fighting and putting up with all this crap.  :)  😇

Well, I'm back (I'm back in the saddle again....👀)

Took a 4 month hiatus to enjoy life and we begin again.

Last I left you, we had been told my cancer had returned and we went to many different appointments for results to confirm and plan for those results.  Well results are starting to come in.

Monday I had my port put in.  Fentanyl again, I see how people get hooked to that.  You are still conscience, but just don't care about anything.  Although afterward, and a few days later, it really hurt; that doctor really worked to get my port in.  Good news, its smaller and less protruding than the last one.  It's a friend for life so the less it is bothersome, the better.

Also a little good news on Monday, my test results were posted for the brain scan and......the brain scan is clear :)

Tuesday bright and early the PET scan.  Radioactive dye entering my veins, I get to sit still for an hour and listen to music.  Got reaquainted with the good music I have and relaxed for awhile.  Then the PET scan.  Good thing I'm only slightly claustrophobic.  Half an hour later and I'm cut loose.  My doctor appointment having been canceled waiting on results, I have time to be normal again and get the days chores done since it is only 10:00 a.m.

Tuesday afternoon, the bad news.  The cancer is a return of my breast cancer.  It is more because of the triple negative than the Inflammatory.  They have also sent the tissue out to genomics (genetics) to be tested to see if they can pinpoint what is going wrong with my DNA, which little sucker is being a bastard.  If they find something specific, they can treat it very specific.  If not, we continue with our plan.

Good news again, the cancer is not in my organs.  It is in my peritoneum, and a couple of lymph nodes in my chest.  The plan is to contain it there and kill it.  Back to killing the beast.

All this was received through a phone call.  Sitting for two days waiting to get to the doctor was agony.  All the fears, all the unanswered questions, all the unverified research, all the thoughts slip in and out with no definite answers.  Agony.

Thursday morning comes and we get our answers.  We start chemo today with my new pick of poison Gemzar (short name), then an old friend that wipes me out for a few days Carboplatin.  Next Thursday its only Gemzar.  Then I'm off the following week.  Then it starts all over.  When does it

end?  It is the song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends.

To say I'm not sad, scared to terrified, frustrated, angry and stunned would be just a lie.  I really believed when they said I was cancer free that I was.  I believe now, that was not the case.  It just gave me a nice summer break to get out and do things with my husband, family and friends.  Not to say I still won't, it will just be back to a limited basis based on counts, and how I feel.  You all know I'm on Facebook, email, and text.  Don't be shy.   And certainly ask questions if you have them.

For now, I have lots of learning to do about how to eat REALLY healthy, stay away from sugar, alcohol, and any of those yummy bad and/or fried foods.  Broccoli, Asparagus, Lemons, Fruit, vegetables, and limited lean meats will be my new friends.  Yum 😏  I also have all those someday projects at home, its someday.

I am prepared to do whatever it takes to fight this fucker.  I will look at traditional medicine, alternative medicine, supplements, and second and third opinions (which is in the works, with the docs blessing and help). 

I still am planning to meet my grandchildren, and in order to do so I'm gonna have the fight of my life.  I am going to have some pretty down days, and I'm going to have some pretty up days.  Mostly I just want to continue to live as normal as possible with poison helping along the way.  I remain ever hopeful. 

I will continue to keep you posted as things come up, or I simply feel like writing.  I like to do this to help inform, as well as keep a journal so I can look back and remember what I've been through.  I also want it to  journal for someone else that may be looking for some answers.

Florida in Winter is on semi-hold for now, but you know if I can, I will.  My friends will miss me :)

Four months out and here we are.........

The last four months have been a

whirlwind.  I finished my chemo pills and active treatment June 14th.  After a few weeks to recoup I started traveling again.

In that time I have been back to Florida for a few "just us" vacations, one including a Jason Aldean concert.  Traveled to Sturgis for a great time with good friends, old and new, and added Las Vegas in the mix.  A beautiful wedding with my daughter and

son-in-law. A final trip to Florida for Biketoberfest with friends and back to Wisconsin we came for my regular follow up CT scan.

 
Well, the fun stopped there.  Anxious over some rib pain I have been experiencing, a call was put in to request immediate results instead of waiting for the next days appointment.   No call.  :/  Determined to enjoy an evening of fundraising for ABCD, I went about my business and even was surprised by my daughters and Mother-in-law in attendance.  What a fun night, and about as far out of my comfort zone as I've been in some time.

Up for my appointment bright and early we head out for whatever news is waiting for us.  The news is not good.  There are several areas of concern.  One is my rib area as suspected, the other is the peritoneum or the pouch that encapsulates all the organs.  It is thick in the CT scan and was not before.

Back on the merry go round we go.  As always with Froedert its a fast moving get it done kind of place.  I am immediately schedules for a Thurosentisis (a withdrawal of fluid from my rib area with a small tube inserted and the fluid sucked out where the fluid was seen on the CT scan).  We have two hours to blow until that appointment, so back to our little shrine we go.  Pray, cry, and pray again.

Back at Radiology and in for the Thurosentesis, surprised in looking at the ultrasound to locate a fluid pocket, there is not enough fluid to safely take out.  Hallelujah!  A small positive.  The area seems to have become smaller on its own, so it appears, therefore unlikely it is cancerous.  Fingers crossed. 

Back to the oncologist to try and scrape some good news out of the day.  He says we will proceed with the Brain MRI on Friday, the port installation on Monday, the PET scan (if they can get approval after an initial denial) on Tuesday or Wednesday, then chemo begins again on Thursday.  In the mean time we are to have the peritoneal biopsied, with an ultrasound and needle biopsy similar to what was done when they originally were testing for the breast cancer in my lymph nodes.  This will indicate if the cells are cancerous.

Friday arrives and off we go to spend the day at Froedert.  First up, radiology and the attempt at an ultrasound.  No go, a CT will be used instead.  I'm rolled off to CT and get a very nice sedative, fentinol my new fav,  while the doc pokes my belly....multiple times.   Hopefully he got what is needed or we will have to try laproscopically next week.  Straight from CT to MRI and the 30 minute brain scan.  Found out I'm definitely allergic to the dye and puked in a dish.  I did give them warning ;)

Now we wait.  We will have more answers by Thursday.   Unfortunately, this is going to be a tough battle.  I know virtually nothing about a prognosis as things change daily on cancer care.  I know that I have started to contact women that have this and are living with it.  That, and knowledge, is power.

Lord knows, I wish this was a better update.  I will be continuing my blog now with this next chapter.

Prayers accepted and welcomed.

 I'm free!!!!!

This is a long overdue update for everyone.  I tried not to post over the last several weeks because there really wasn't much to post.  But....

An exciting day in my world, June 14th.  My last day of chemo, intravenous and oral.  It was a looonnnggg time coming.  A year and a half of active treatment ended that day.

Since that day I have decided to drop all

medication.  That's right, no depression/anxiety pills (although if you ask my husband.....), no neuropathy pills, no chemo pills, no nothin'.  For the first time in over two years I'm only on supplements, vitamins and the like.

This is not to say all is right in my world, not quite.  The gabapentin was doing nothing to resolve my neuropathy.  I still have chemo brain, and I suffer from occassional horrible stomach pains.  I also have episodes of feeling like I'm in a dream world or high.  While that might be fun......I don't control when it hits so sometimes driving or doing anything becomes interesting if you can imagine ;)  A brain scan was all clear so that's not it, and a plus.  We continue to hope these will all subside as my body recovers from the year and a half assault.

July 18, another very exciting and significant day.  I had a CT scan done for the finish of active treatment.  This day I officially learned it was all clear!!  NO sign of any cancer in my body!!   As a matter of fact, the spot in my lung is getting smaller.  I was about as happy as I could be sitting in the appointment room making my 3 month checkup appointment, when I heard one of the schedulers next to me giving instruction to a woman and her husband that sounded very familiar.  She was just diagnosed and starting her battle.  I had to interject when they were near done by tell her that she will be alright.  I told her it was my graduation day after a year and a half and I am well.  I gave her a hug and wished her luck.  A bittersweet day.

Now the fun stuff.  Bob and I are going to travel!!!  We are both semi retire, so we are starting what we envisioned for our retired life, just a few years early.  Doing what we can, when we can.  We are headed out to Sturgis, Florida, Las Vegas and back to Florida.  2 bike rallys, one Jason Aldean concert, and a little (very little for me) gambling.  We also decided to purchase an enclosed trailer to haul our bike (and Lola), which is also set for sleeping.  Our camping adventure begins :)

Somewhere in there we are celebrating a

wedding.  My older daughter Sydney gets married to her main man, Shawn, on September 30th.  We are excited to officially welcome him to our family!  I look forward to being a grandma some day, just NO rush.  ;)

I have also embarked on a new opportunity by becoming an Independent Consultant for L'BRI.  This is a line of Pure and Natural aloe based products that saved my skin during its worse time from chemo, especially my hands and feet.  I thank those of you that introduced me to these products.  My hope is to share them with other cancer patients (everyone else too) that are going through what I did.  The difference is amazing.  I wish I had known about them sooner, especially during radiation.  You want to gather a few friends and have mini facials call me ;)  I just spent the weekend at convention learning and learning, and a slight case of food poisoning (thanks Poto). www.lbri.com/pkuspa. Check them out!! End of pitch 😄

To try to thank all of those that have helped and supported me along the way is impossible.  But your thoughts, prayers and friendship mean the world to Bob and me.  We are going to be having a gathering at DeMarinis Denoon Saloon the end of August (between travels) to have some pizza, beverages, and laughter with whomever would like to come.  I will post the date on my Facebook when it is finalized.  A small token of appreciation to you all.

I will update this blog on a three month basis as I continue to be checked on closely by my oncology group.  One day I look forward to the yearly checkups.  My oncologist gave me target dates.  After three years from diagnosis with no reoccurrence I am put on the yearly plan, I'm at 1 year 7 months.  After 5 years from final treatment my chances of reoccurrence drop to a point of anyone elses chance of getting cancer.  4 years, 11 months to go!

For the Franklin peeps, I have read that the Franklin High School Cheerleaders are holding a car wash on August 19th, 9 am to 1 pm, at Root River with the proceeds going to one of the Franklin family, Linda and Jim Noyes, who are fighting the good fight against breast cancer.  Her fourth bout with her fourth cancer. Please take some time to stop and make the girls work a little for a very good cause.  If you can't make the carwash the contact to donate is amyweber4710@gmail.com.

And please continue to keep little Jackson in your prayers.  What a little fighter.  www.gofundme.com/anarmyforjackson

That's it folks!  We did it!!!

....and don't forget to check those boobies!!!!!

This week on the continuing saga......

I started back on my pills and am done with round 6.  Two more to go and I am DONE!!  The side effects are returning but not quite as harsh.  Hands and feet are both getting uncomfortable, but tolerable.  My hair is still thinning, and my chemo brain is in full force.  Concentrating is difficult with some days being worse than others.  If we are talking and I look like I'm far away, chances are I am.  Sorry.  Fatigue continues to be bothersome, but it could just be old person naps.  Lack of proper sleep has added Ambien to my cabinet.  It works, mostly.

Wedding plans for Daughter One are going well.  Only a few minor things to finish and awaiting the arrival of her dress for alterations.  Five months and I gain a son ;)

Daughter Two is looking to be full time employed shortly.  Loves her current job, but is looking to move up.  I hope at my next post I can say she is.  She is almost ready to fly the coop, then it's just me and Lola.  Well, Bob too ;)

I have had to return to physical therapy.  My right arm (bc side) is very tight, sometimes slightly swollen, achy and numb.  Effects of harsh radiation. My side feels as though the skin is adhered to my ribs and pulls with movement.  Under my arm the cords are extremely tight.  Lots of massaging and stretching to try and work it all out.  Good chance total movement may be slightly limited.  Bring on PT.

New scans are in June and will be a body scan.  Not expecting anything but always afraid I may get surprised.  Fingers crossed.

I haven't posted any links lately so I'm adding a bunch today.

If you need a mentor who will match as closely to your diagnosis or situation call ABCD After Breast Cancer Support.  I am a mentor for them and know they do their best to get a perfect match.

If you need some answers and want real ones, go to http://www.breastcancer.org.  When I was first diagnosed this was a saving grace for me.  The community boards are full of any scenario you can think of with breast cancer and treatment.  Well worth exploring for understanding.

If you are lucky like me..........and have Inflammatory BC :/ .......The IBC Network is the way to go.  Very informative.

American Cancer Society www.cancer.org

Then there is always me :)  call, text or email me.  I'll be happy to listen.

These are trusted sites that don't have scare tactics or outdated information.

This afternoon I'm stopping in to say congrats on retirement to the first wave of former colleagues, with more rapidly following.  How did that happen?  We were just in our 20s starting our jobs.   :)  I wish them all well.

After my last two chemo rounds I'm going to take some advice from one of my favorite people.........everyone should.

"Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame

The past few weeks have been pretty mixed.  I lost another friend from my youth this last week.  We weren't good friends, but we once were friends.  His sister is one of the best friends I've had in life.  We were friends 30ish years ago, but as my fellow BRATs can attest to, time means nothing.  Once friends, you never forget. He too had his demons to deal with, unfortunately he lost the battle.  It made me sad that he had such pain in many ways in his life.  I mention this because it brought me back to my post last time.  I have my issues, but don't we all in one way or another.  I wish I could have done something to help him.  I have excellent memories from the past, and will always remember him that way.

On a much happier note, most excellent news this last week!!  My older daughter finally got the news we were praying for.  She, as well as my younger daughter who received the best news earlier, are both negative for the Breast Cancer gene BRCA2.  I have prayed since the day I found out that they would be spared, and they are.  Since it doesn't skip a generation it ends with me, just as I prayed.  I want to shout from the rooftop so everyone can hear.   You really have no idea how happy my family is.  Praise God for having their dad have the stronger genes.  While there is never any guarantee, they do not have to worry every day, nor do any medical prevention.  Woo hoo!!!!

Sorry(ish) for my Debbie Downer post last time.   I get frustrated sometimes and felt I needed to express some of the crap I try to prevent from dwelling on in this blog.  It is how I feel sometimes, and this time I just decided to put it out there.  I'm all good now.  Was actually good after putting it out.  It was cathartic and, It is what it is.  :)

Healthwise I'm doing good.  During my last Onc appointment, he decided to have me take a break from the chemo based on all the problems I was having.   He wanted my body to have time to heal from the Hand Foot Syndrom as well as the nausea, headaches, rash and fatigue.  I'm happy to report it worked.  It was a nice glimpse at what it will be like in 4 or 5 months from now.  Its been three weeks since I took the pills and my hands and feet are not burning anymore.  The recovery has been kind of gross.  They all look like I painted glue on and was peeling it off.  My feet are too gross to take a picture, let's just say they are NOT sandal ready.  I started the pills again a few days ago, but at a lower dose.  Hopefully that helps.  The rash on my scar line has not gotten any worse, actually a little better, so it is being dubbed radiation recall due to the Xeloda.

Burning stopped, peeling commenced

An almost normal hand. 

Sadly I have noticed I am losing hair again.  I noticed my eyebrows getting very thin, and my eyelashes.  Its sort of elsewhere legs etc., no head hair yet.  Unexpected but doable.  Chemo brain continues and seems to be somewhat worsening in that I forget simple words and have trouble finding words, concentration is the length of a gnat.  Hopefully that repairs in time.

I have finished my mentor training with ABCD and now look forward to helping others that are going through this "adventure".  There are some special things in the works for IBC specifically, so I'm excited to start that as well.

I hope everyone is enjoying the slowly warming weather and the longer daylight hours.  Funny when I was a kid I loved the night and dark.  Maybe because it was easier to cover my tracks so to speak.....lol.

Happy Spring everyone!!  Hope you all enjoy the coming Easter season.

......and as always check the boobs.  Its about time for a visual and physical check don't you think.  :)  👍

I really hate cancer.   I hate everything about it.  The diagnosis itself sucks.  Your life immediately turns upside down.  The day I got my diagnosis my entire life changed.  You look at everything in life differently.

For the first several months I was so sick I could barely get off the couch.  Once past the first months, I got kicked again just not as hard.  I was then able to get out more to try and put my life back together.  I look at all the women who just go about their business without the cares and worries of just living and realize I no longer have that ability.  I am now jealous of those women and their ability to be carefree, I miss it.

I have to be careful or concerned about what I eat, where I go and what I do.  Eat these foods, not those.  These can kill you, those are boring.  Drink this, not that.  Do this. not that.  If you don't, you can have a reoccurance and have to fight all over again at a higher stage of disease.

I've had the opportunity to do some fun things since completing parts of my treatments.  I do what I can, when I can.  Unfortunately what use to be nothing more than vacation, or weekend activities, is now something I have to be worried about because of what other people are thinking.  "Well if you are doing this, you are okay and back to normal."  No, I'm not okay.  I will never be normal again, ever.

I have been poisoned to near death.  I have been butchered and no longer have any female parts that make a woman feel normal.  I have been burned to the second degree and have the skin to prove it.  I have seven new scars on my body that I have to see every day.  I suffer hot flashes, fatigue, pain associated with my mastectomy and radiation, and general depression that I simply don't look like a normal woman and continue feeling sick in one way or another.  These may never go away.

I am still undergoing treatment that has cumulative side effects that suck.  Hand Foot Syndrome is in full blast with the bottoms of my feet and my hands hurting with simple tasks like walking or picking up a cup,  itching constantly, and

drying out to the point of cracking even though I put gobs of lotion on continuously.  They resemble a burn and at times feel just like that.  I am fatigued, sick to my stomach, getting headaches and body aches, as well as a large loss of appetite.  I am also suffering from what I believe is Vertigo since my recent MRI scan shows I have a brain, and one without cancer.

I have lost my job because of this illness.  While things may not have been perfect before this diagnosis, it certainly didn't help the matter and led to a final decision to leave a job and people I had been with for 24 years.  Now I sit at home and wonder what I can do to be a productive member of society, yet I am still undergoing treatment that has side effects that still prohibit me from doing normal things.

Insurance companies don't give a rats ass about me and my problems, they just want to save money.  I now have a condition that if I lose my current insurance, which I eventually will, I will become a precondition patient that may prohibit me from getting good insurance, or it will cost me an arm and leg.

People see me and say "You look great".  I smile and say "Thank you, I feel good".  What they don't want to know, and I don't divulge, are the everyday problems that I face.  I don't want to be perceived as whining therefore I keep it to myself.  They are small problems, but problems nonetheless.  I worry at every small sickness that comes up.  I no longer can have a simple headache without worrying that I have brain cancer.  I can no longer have a simple rash without being afraid it's skin cancer.  My stamina remains low, until I can finally be done with all effects and get as close to normal as I can.  That is reality.

I would give anything to be normal again but this is not possible.  This is my new normal.  I  have cancer, it's not curable.  I may be currently in remission, but I have cancer.  I have to deal with that every day.

I realize now that life is short.  The time you thought you had to do the bucket list may not be as long as you thought.  It's my time to do the bucket list when I can, while I can.  I hate that people say things about this, but it's what I must do.  I don't want to leave this world with any regrets, or should haves.  I want to live now as much as I can.

Unfortunately not everyone sees it this way.  That bothers me.  It bothers me for myself, and every other person that is going through a life changing illness.  I said in the beginning this makes me look at things different.  The simple laughter of kids in a playground, the beauty of our country,  the wasted time on hatred and divisiveness.  It all looks different now.  And I don't like the feeling that I have to apologize.

I plan on living for a long time, I just plan on making the most of every minute.  If that means travelling, being with family, volunteering, or someday returning to satisfying work, then so be it.  I just sometimes wish everyone could walk in a cancer patients shoes for just a little bit.  I don't wish this disease on anyone, I just wish for understanding of those of us who are going through it.

Now the positive.  I am still in remission, past my one year mark.  That is a big milestone.  My brain is only affected by migraines, not cancer.  I have signed up for, and am going through training to be a mentor with ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis).  I will also be working with them on IBC actions.  My union has not abandoned me yet, bless them.  I'm almost halfway through my Xeloda and it's almost Spring, Praise the Lord!!

I'm off my soap box now.

These two quotes have been my mottos for as long as I can remember.  They remain so today.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss Slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.

Mark Twain

and 

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!

Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

Promise it will be positive next time. :)

Check them boobies.

Hello everyone!

Still alive and kicking.  Been awhile I know.  I have been waiting because of some big news that I needed to keep quiet on for a bit.

Things have slowed down as far as my medical status which is so refreshing.  I only have to go to the hospital once every three weeks to see my Onc for a check up on my Xeloda chemo pills side effects and blood work.  Blood work is used to show how my kidneys and liver are taking the meds as well as anything else that may be off.  So far so good 👍

My side effects have been okay.  They seem to be getting collectively worse as I go along.  First round was a small Hand-Foot Syndrome  (HFS) on my big toes.  The second round my mouth was very sensitive to heat, spice, and hard objects, kind of like it's thinned out.  This third round I have really started to experience the HFS.  My fingertips are very sensitive, and the bottom of my feet hurt when stepped on, I also have developed GI issues that can be double over painful but do subside, and a rash on my chest.  I see my onc next Thursday.  So, the fun continues.  Only 4 months left.  Can't wait to see what comes next!

I have big news for me.  Like Alice Cooper stated......

I have resigned from Franklin Public Schools.  With my medical status being uncertain and the stress that the job caused, my doctors advised me to not return at this time.  Being beyond the one year contract we had come to, it was negotiated that I leave.  At first it was sad.  How do you say goodbye to a work family you have been with for 24 years?  I know some people as well as my own family members and will miss the daily interaction. That is the hardest part.  As time goes on I know I will be very happy.  I now have time to do all those things everyone dreams of while they are sitting at work.  With my medical issues always being uncertain, I jump when I can and I sit when I must.   I wish all of them the best.  They have been an intricate part in my journey.  I hope they too can find the happiness that I have.

I have sent a volunteer application to ABCD, After Breast Cancer Diagnosis.  Haven't heard back yet, but want to try and help others get through this shitty experience.  I hope to find others like me with the Trifecta of breast cancer (triple negative, IBC, BRCA2+).

I am going to use this time to get back to healthy.  I'm returning to the gym (I abandoned) with my husband.  Maybe take a yoga class or two.  I have also discovered I enjoy crafting.  I find it helps me relax, I watch something come to life, and it keeps my mind off cancer for awhile.

For anyone that hasn't watched Greys Anatomy lately, there is a new storyline of the mother of a main character that was given an IBC diagnosis.  I look forward to the story unfolding and seeing how they depict this relatively unknown form.   Very glad to see this covered on a popular series.  Even if its short lived, it has made it to the public better.

As always, set aside a few minutes each month to give the ladies a once over.  Early detection is so vital, especially with rare forms.  Men, you too.  You are not exempt.  Check out this link.

                                        It's more than just a lump.

I will continue my updates but they will be less often, probably once a month unless something comes up to discuss.

I am open to talk any time anyone wants.  You can contact me via Facebook, phone, text or email.

Enjoy the end of Winter and welcome Spring.  Bring on the warmer weather and sunshine!