Well, this is long overdue. My level of desire to write has been pretty much nil until today. I keep trying to think of what and how to write and nothing comes to mind. So, I will sit here and do my best.
First, this is the scan that shows my metastatic cancer (or mets) to my peritoneum. Don't have a fancy writable pad yet, maybe for Christmas, so I will do my best to describe. The first, with the finger is where they believe some cancerous fluid could be from the blockage by the nodes in my chest. The second is looking up from my feet, and the yellow (not along my spine) is what lit up on my PET scan as the cancerous fibers in my peritoneum. The last is just so you can see what it looks like when you get a PET, full body.
I have had three treatments so far. First one was Gemzar/Carboplatin and boy did it kick me. My ANC (absolute neutrophil count, the one they watch for treatment) went from 5.03, within low normal range, to .6 in one week, well below. Unfortunately, that meant no further treatment. I had to go for three weeks with no treatment which was psychologically almost too much for me. Knowing this beast is in me and doing nothing is hard. My onc assured me the carbo was still working and this was not unusual since he gave me the max dose. Now he knows that won't work and will adjust.
My next appointment, I was finally able to get Gemzar only. I'm sure its thanks to the new wrap my Franklin friends gave me, which match my leggings perfectly!!
With my counts still low at .99, this was a compromise since I said I wasn't leaving without treatment. Who would have seen someone begging for chemo.........During this visit we also decided to change to a new chemo, Cisplatin, at my next combo. With the carbo so hard on my counts, the hope is this will be a little easier and enable treatments to remain steady. Gemzar was pretty easy. No side effects, not even nausea, which was great. I actually felt okay and able to get out and get Christmas shopping done, as well as decorating the house. Bob and I also made a quick, long weekend trip to Florida. It was a much needed get away for the two of us to reset and relax.
Upon our return it was time to see the doc again. Fingers crossed the numbers are good after 2 weeks off. With a 1.3 count, I get chemo. The new one, Gemzar/Cisplatin. Little did I know, I have gone from a 3 or 4 hour treatment time to 6, yes SIX hours! When I come in I have 2 hours of fluids, 30 minutes of premeds, one hour of Cisplatin, one hour of Gemzar, and a finish of 2 hours of fluids. The need for all the fluids is to flush my kidneys since Cisplatin is hard on those. Tuesday afternoon, done.
Thanksgiving with the family was a nice small quiet gathering. Yummy food and good company. Thankful to have my kids with me and enjoying each other's company for a long weekend. My girls and I even went to to see Coco on Thanksgiving. What a fun movie! Take the kids or grandkids, it's vibrant Disney!
Monday, BAM! What a wall I hit. By Monday afternoon, moving was a chore. Whether it is white or red cells low I have no idea and am sure I will see in my next blood tests, but there was nothing I could do to get better. Tuesday, a happy day, my birthday. 53! Unfortunately, still completely dragging from chemo, moving again a chore. I forced myself to shower and dress to be presentable, makeup not included. I was also "showered"....😂😂😂, get it, showered and showered....moving on.....with flowers, gifts and well wishes from family and friends, and am greatful for those that remembered this big day. Again, my Franklin family remembers me, they are a special group ;) Each birthday a gift now. Dinner out with the in laws was nice at Cafe Centraal, and a small cheat enjoying a nice hot chocolate from Collectiva, thanks to Emily. Day complete.
Wednesday, still feeling lethargic, my bowels decide to stop working properly. While this is a very sensitive category of discussion, it's a VERY important one. The body is an amazing mechanism when working properly. When not, ugh! No amount of food, liquid, or medicine was working, for days. If any of you have had this difficulty you completely understand. If you haven't, don't. Drink water, eat fruit and fiber. Never let this happen to you. It's miserable! My body felt like it just simply shut down. I couldn't sleep, eat, or get comfortable. This is also a problem with stomach Mets. The possibility of blockages is real and frightening. Thankfully, things improved.
It's now Thursday and things are "moving" in the right direction ;) Live and learn with these meds. I have also gained a new sensation that I need to bring up with the doc. This entire morning I felt as though I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Jittery is an understatement, and yet still feeling lethargic. Imagine wanting to jump out of your own skin, but too weak to even give it a try. Nice combination, not. Finally by the late afternoon, I'm starting to feel good again and just in time for a girlfriend weekend in the Dells. Fingers crossed it stays that way all weekend.
All of this is so hard to deal with. Between chemicals making me sick, my body fighting, and the psychological effects it can become overwhelming. Doing normal, simple life events becomes taxing. I find I have become very quiet, withdrawn, and retrospective. All very unusual for me. I find myself thinking of my parents and wishing they were here to help me. They had both been through what I am going through. I could really use their shoulder right now. I also lost a cousin this week. I never even knew she too was fighting cancer. I wish I had. We were not close, but we were family, in the same shitty spot. Again, the retrospective parts of my life popping in and out. I will always remember her laugh and smile, she was a very sweet woman. Loved by many. RIP Marcia.
Christmas is upon us all and my house has been decorated for a couple of weeks now. My menagerie is back and I love them. I guess it's the kid in me and my love of toys. The Hallmark Channel is also a constant on my TV, and why not. It's all Christmas, and always a happy ending. A good combination for anyone :)
Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. I will be headed back to Georgia and my sister's family Christmas Day, then will spend the New Year in Florida. I can't seem to stomach the cold and dark anymore, it's depressing. I will return for my treatments but need the sun, the relative warmth, and my friends ;)
When I return in January I will be getting my next scan to see how the chemo is working. I pray, ALL the time, that I get the miracle and it is gone and stays that way. It is the thing that keeps me fighting and putting up with all this crap. :) 😇
